CRAWLING IN MY SKIN, THESE WOUNDS THEY WILL NOT HEAL......FEAR IS HOW I FALL CONFUSING WHAT IS REAL..........consuming.........never ending...controlling....
its the cycle of abuse in children of alcoholics..............
some Linkin Park fer ya........
Very appropriate tunes for the times I'm going thru.
I've been in 5 serious (and thats every single relationship I ever had) relationships. And all of them are addicts....two were very abusive - almost died...I was stabbed...hit by my own car...these are the things people take for granted when they ARE given a good relationship, friend, lover, and confidant. When a man or woman hasn't gone thru these other horrible things, she will never appreciate the good one can offer. I WAS LOOKING FOR A MAN when I found Joe. In the beginning, he was also faithful (I am VERY spiritual - and I just became Catholic 4 years ago), and loving, and compassionate....we wrote letters back and forth, he respected me. But then, 9 months later, that all changed. When he went out for that first drink after work one night and never came home for 2 days - on my son's 3rd birthday. Ever since, he's been doing it on and off...........and bringing me down with him. My spirits are very low, like I've been depleated - there's only so much one can handle. And after 6 years of going through this, accepting the chance of "he may change", well, I can't put myself thru it anymore - nor my children. And in writing this to many people, I've gotten some good and bad advice - I've been judged, and I've been praised for even handling it the ways I've been. So, either way, in trying to do good and keep a family together, its been bad in a way that may be hurting us emotionally now.
I went to a psychotherapist to deal with the PTSD and Bipolar and bigtime anxiety issues, and did very well for 5 years. After lets say, 3 years ago when I stopped going - i thought everything was better - then my "guy" got worse. He blamed me for his drinking binges because of the fighting its caused - but I fought only to keep him HOME, with his children where a father belongs after work - not at a bar all night. He refused to go to church, even take ME to church...we go only on special occasions now, where we once used to go every Sunday - heck, I used to go 3x a week. But since all this, I just feel like CRAWLING under a rock myself. LOL
But I know it'll get better - the Lord only gives us what we can handle. But it helps me to just BURST IT ALL OUT to strangers..........LOL........ instead of giving my grandmother a heart attack with all this! She's about the only one left in my family - besides my brother and sister who are also mentally and emotionally challenged by the cycle of children of alcoholics............
I feel the same way - being alone right now after all the B/S these guys have caused me...? ughhhhhhhhh....
If I knew then what I know now, i would've been a nun.
My younger brother (25) refuses ANY RELATIONSHIPS with anyone- except me, my sister, and one man friend. ..., my sister? She's okay fer now....but stays away from everyone and there's no communication between her and anyone in the family...like my brother..... After all of this, and my father remarrying into a crack addicted relationship, THE CYCLE NEVER ENDED WITH HIM. He died at 58 last year..... BUT DAMN IT - I SWEAR I WON'T LET IT TAKE ME DEAD OR ALIVE! I'm leaving!!!!!!!!! For my children's and my sake..........I don't care if he says he'll stop, he WON'T..... he will for awhile, but it'll happen again and over and over and again......... Why is it that children of alcoholics seem to be attracted to those relationships? Like how my mother used to lock me in my room to "wet" my pants, dignity is gone, like how he has been controlling me to allow him to drink - that its just one.or two.........or six...................a 30 pack.
Please x-cuse my attitude 2-day - its rainy here, depressed, and know I have to break the cycle again...with 2 children..... and have been told he will not make it an easy fight for custody.......Thats what the fear is.
......THERES SOMETHING INSIDE ME THAT PULLS BENEATH THE SURFACE.........consuming........confusing..........self control is never ending....CONTROLLING.... I CAN'T SEEM TO FIND MYSELF AGAIN, MY WALLS ARE CLOSING IN.....too much pressure to take.............
AGAINST MY WILL I stand beside my own reflection............................
from,
a child of alcoholics
&
a nuturer/enabler caught in the CYCLE
its the cycle of abuse in children of alcoholics..............
some Linkin Park fer ya........
Very appropriate tunes for the times I'm going thru.
I've been in 5 serious (and thats every single relationship I ever had) relationships. And all of them are addicts....two were very abusive - almost died...I was stabbed...hit by my own car...these are the things people take for granted when they ARE given a good relationship, friend, lover, and confidant. When a man or woman hasn't gone thru these other horrible things, she will never appreciate the good one can offer. I WAS LOOKING FOR A MAN when I found Joe. In the beginning, he was also faithful (I am VERY spiritual - and I just became Catholic 4 years ago), and loving, and compassionate....we wrote letters back and forth, he respected me. But then, 9 months later, that all changed. When he went out for that first drink after work one night and never came home for 2 days - on my son's 3rd birthday. Ever since, he's been doing it on and off...........and bringing me down with him. My spirits are very low, like I've been depleated - there's only so much one can handle. And after 6 years of going through this, accepting the chance of "he may change", well, I can't put myself thru it anymore - nor my children. And in writing this to many people, I've gotten some good and bad advice - I've been judged, and I've been praised for even handling it the ways I've been. So, either way, in trying to do good and keep a family together, its been bad in a way that may be hurting us emotionally now.
I went to a psychotherapist to deal with the PTSD and Bipolar and bigtime anxiety issues, and did very well for 5 years. After lets say, 3 years ago when I stopped going - i thought everything was better - then my "guy" got worse. He blamed me for his drinking binges because of the fighting its caused - but I fought only to keep him HOME, with his children where a father belongs after work - not at a bar all night. He refused to go to church, even take ME to church...we go only on special occasions now, where we once used to go every Sunday - heck, I used to go 3x a week. But since all this, I just feel like CRAWLING under a rock myself. LOL
But I know it'll get better - the Lord only gives us what we can handle. But it helps me to just BURST IT ALL OUT to strangers..........LOL........ instead of giving my grandmother a heart attack with all this! She's about the only one left in my family - besides my brother and sister who are also mentally and emotionally challenged by the cycle of children of alcoholics............
I feel the same way - being alone right now after all the B/S these guys have caused me...? ughhhhhhhhh....
If I knew then what I know now, i would've been a nun.
My younger brother (25) refuses ANY RELATIONSHIPS with anyone- except me, my sister, and one man friend. ..., my sister? She's okay fer now....but stays away from everyone and there's no communication between her and anyone in the family...like my brother..... After all of this, and my father remarrying into a crack addicted relationship, THE CYCLE NEVER ENDED WITH HIM. He died at 58 last year..... BUT DAMN IT - I SWEAR I WON'T LET IT TAKE ME DEAD OR ALIVE! I'm leaving!!!!!!!!! For my children's and my sake..........I don't care if he says he'll stop, he WON'T..... he will for awhile, but it'll happen again and over and over and again......... Why is it that children of alcoholics seem to be attracted to those relationships? Like how my mother used to lock me in my room to "wet" my pants, dignity is gone, like how he has been controlling me to allow him to drink - that its just one.or two.........or six...................a 30 pack.
Please x-cuse my attitude 2-day - its rainy here, depressed, and know I have to break the cycle again...with 2 children..... and have been told he will not make it an easy fight for custody.......Thats what the fear is.
......THERES SOMETHING INSIDE ME THAT PULLS BENEATH THE SURFACE.........consuming........confusing..........self control is never ending....CONTROLLING.... I CAN'T SEEM TO FIND MYSELF AGAIN, MY WALLS ARE CLOSING IN.....too much pressure to take.............
AGAINST MY WILL I stand beside my own reflection............................
from,
a child of alcoholics
&
a nuturer/enabler caught in the CYCLE
posted by:
|
Philadelphia
|
