I found this tribe and thought I'd say hello... my parents are both alcoholics, they are also German children of WWII, i.e. they grew up as children in Germany during WWII, complete with allied bombing raids and russian tanks, etc.. while they are not physically, sexually or emotionally abusive, they are very neutral when it comes to expressing emotions/feelings (my therapist, of course, would consider this as emotionally abusive environment to grow up in). I grew up in a pretty sterile, when it comes to emotions, home, partly in Germany and the latter part of my childhood in the US. over the years, I have learned to feel and express emotions, but still have a lot of trouble when it comes to relationships. I often feel lonely and unconnected... part of that is probably also due to my INFP'ness. anyway, I'm looking to connect with people who may have had similar backgrounds, or interests that connect us in someway...
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Sacramento
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Re: hello
Thu, February 15, 2007 - 8:14 AMthanks... it's always nice you're not alone. yeah, I'm also very self sufficient and it's hard for me to accept help from others. -ingo -
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Re: hello
Fri, February 16, 2007 - 7:46 AMHello, yes, it is always nice to know that others share and understand this situation. I've been very lucky and recently found a mate/partner/love who is also the child of an alcoholic, so he actually can understand what dealing with my mother is like. It took me 10 years since my last relationship to let anyone in. Finding anyone who can really, i mean really, understand how you feel about things, and how your parent's "disease" affects a huge part of your choices in life. I was beginning to think that I actually was heartless and/or cold because the walls i built were so very high around my inner self. Most people can't understand why a simple phone conversation with a parent can leave you on the edge of tears, when it sounded fine from their end... they can't know that your parent was drunk and that you know they won't remember the conversation, or that they said the same thing to you 5 times, slurring and laughing, and how that stings so deeply.
I've also been extremely self sufficient all my life and had a hard time making any type of deep attachment.. being able to talk to other people who feel the same things I feel lets me know that I'm not alone, that I'm not the only one who goes through this... and that it is something that CAN be gotten through...
namaste...
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Re: hello
Thu, May 24, 2007 - 8:46 PMWell, you are certainly not alone Cynicwanderer. I just found this Tribe too. I'm interested in hearing other people's stories as well. I imagine we all have experiences, ways of coping, etc. that may help one another. If nothing else, the support of others and shared listening/revealing can be healing for everyone.
My father was an alcoholic (he's recovered, but many of the same issues exist in different ways), and like your parents, was not physically, sexually or emotionally abusive. Has a hard time expressing his emotions even though I know he is a deeply emotional person. In some ways that has been more "damaging" than the actual drinking, if you know what I mean. That, and the environment of denial that existed and the absence of role models, parents that could be relied upon, feelings of shame that everyone knew, etc.
You say that your parents "are" alcoholics. So they are still drinking? How old were you when you became aware of the situation? What is your relationship with them like now? You don't have to answer these questions of course, if you don't want to share. But if you do, I am open to hearing more about your story. That goes for others in this tribe as well. -
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Re: hello
Fri, May 25, 2007 - 11:59 AMhey,
nice to know there are others out there.... to answer your questions. my mom recently died of cancer, which in itself was certainly a weird trip to deal with my unemotional father. we live in different states, and don't talk much, except the occasional email. yes, he still drinks. I supposed I become aware that this was a problem and started questioning myself probably when I was in my late twenties.
later, -ingo -
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Re: hello
Fri, May 25, 2007 - 2:38 PMI'm sorry to hear that your mother passed away. Never an easy thing to deal with.
When you say you were questioning yourself in your late 20's, do you mean you were questioning whether or not you were correct about your suspicions your parents were alcoholics? Took me a while to clue in too, though I was much younger at the time, so didn't see through mature eyes I suppose.
Do you have siblings? I have found that talking with my brothers and sisters about our perceptions, memories, etc. has been both revealing and comforting. It's been interesting now that we're adults to talk about our memories of certain events or feelings.
Dealing with an alcoholic parent when we are adults seems to have a different set of issues than when were kids. I empathize with your situation. It can be really frustrating to engage with and relate to a substance abuser, no matter what the substance. I wish I could say I have it all figured out, but I don't. Although my dad no longer drinks, he abuses prescription meds, which is just as damaging to his health and state of mind. And my youngest brother is also an alcoholic, though my parents refuse to acknowledge that. It's all quite dysfunctional really.
I guess the best advice I've been given is to not let that history and their present choices/diseases identify who I am...that it's not MY life. It's hard though, since so many of my own personal challenges seem directly correlated with that history and the current situation. I guess I've also come to accept alcoholism as a disease, and to see my dad as an individual with his own challenges, heartaches and repressed emotions, which in some ways makes it "easier" to deal with. Getting to empathy can be challenging though. -
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Re: hello
Mon, June 4, 2007 - 9:23 AMwhen I was questioning myself in the late 20s, I became conscious that while parents only drank "after 6:00p", they were probably alcoholics. yeah, it takes a while to see it and learn to cope with it. I do have a younger brother who leaves close to my parents (father), but I have almost no contact with him and his family.
I agree about the advice of not letting that history define who I'm. I'm independent and make my own choices, although I try to reflect on how my choices are effected or not by my past. I think the most trouble comes in dealing with my relationships. It's hard to find/make meaningful friendships and I find myself taking the role of a caretaker in romantic relationships all too often. It's tough to try to break that cycle. Since I don't really feel like I have a family to turn to, I put my trust in my friends.
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Re: hello
Mon, June 4, 2007 - 11:33 AMWow, so strange that you say that last sentence because last night I was reading in my old high school journals about how I was that way with my friends when things were really bad at home. I was 16 and there is a lot in my journal about how emotionally abandoned I felt by my family. I hated everyone, yet at the same time, wrote of loving them too. Lots of conflicting feelings I guess. I used to "test" my parents to see if they were paying attention and they almost always let me down. I find it hard to make meaningful friendships in ways too, even though I have a lot of friends. There are a handful whom I know I could trust with anything. I also can get attached to some people really quickly and deeply. It hadn't happened in a long time until recently, and now that this person and I are not talking anymore, I feel the same sense of abandonment in ways. I guess it's that wanting to be loved thing...
So do you consider it to be a "bad" thing to be the caretaker in romantic relationships? Are you a Cancer by chance? I don't think it's a bad thing to be the caretaker if you like that role and the other person appreciates it and doesn't take advantage of you. Still, it can be draining to be in that role ALL the time too, especially if your needs are not being met in return.
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