Children of Alcoholics's topics - tribe.net

Non Alanon Support

Sarah — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 07:54:14 GMT

Does anyone know of any non-12 step organizations/support groups for children of alcoholics? I'm just not quite comfortable with the religiousness of al-anon.

posted in Children of Alcoholics - 1 reply

The Alcoholic Parent vs the Non-Alcoholic Parent

Chloe — Tue, 05 Jun 2007 20:23:02 GMT

For those of you who only had or have one alcoholic parent, I'm curious to know how the other parent operated. Did they take control of the situation? Did they live in denial? Did they go off the deep end? Did they abandon you to remain with the alcoholic parent? Were they supportive of you, explain what was happening, etc.? Did they take out their frustrations on you? Did they get help from their families or friends?

My own mother (who was not the alcoholic) lived in complete denial. She did not tell her family, his family, her friends until it was so obvious (i.e., he worked drunk, driving drunk, falling over drunk) that she couldn't deny it anymore. Both of my parents were completely emotionally absent and other than the one time I can remember my mother saying "maybe you should get counselling," I don't recall her ever offering any advice or comfort. And at 17 - which I think is the time she suggested counselling to me - I wasn't mature enough to know how to go about that on my own.

posted in Children of Alcoholics - 8 replies

Myers-Briggs and ACOAs - any linkages?

Chloe — Mon, 04 Jun 2007 15:42:45 GMT

Inspired by Cynicwander's post where he mentions what I assume to be his Myers-Briggs personality type...I'm wondering if there is any commonality among children of alcoholics and our personality types (as measured by that system)? For example, I would suspect that most of us are introverts. Do you know your type?

I'm an ISFJ. You can try the quiz on this website. I think it's pretty accurate since I've had a few therapists identify me as ISFJ and so did this test. Of course, another test might give another answer. Anyway, if you think it would be revealing to try and useful to share, I'd be interested in hearing what your type is.

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

posted in Children of Alcoholics - 15 replies

chicago cook county?

FireWoven — Sat, 08 Mar 2008 02:05:01 GMT

why can i not find any?

the last one i went to was an aa womens meeting

posted in Children of Alcoholics - 0 replies

She has Moved IN

Saahira-Nashita — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 22:03:23 GMT

My alcoholic mother has ruined her relationship with the asshole enabler of 20 years, by quitting her job and removing her income from the mix... He didn't take it well and she felt unloved and unwanted, so she left... and came to the only place she had, my house... now she is here... i've been trying to reduce her intake, she has no way to go out and get it, but i can't make her go cold turkey... she has definite pain issues from back problems.. she doesn't sleep, barely eats... just sips her beer all day long... i'm frustrated and have lost all my personal space. she is penniless and has no chances of support or income unless she goes back to work or gets approved for disability... anyone go through ANYTHING like this.... she is so in denial and refuses to see anything for what it really is... she would rather feel helpless than try to make a go at rebuilding her life in a constructive way... she insists that she cannot work, due to her health issues, but her issues are at least 50% caused by the alcohol...

i'm losing my mind....
gonna call the local AA group and see what help I can get...

posted in Children of Alcoholics - 4 replies

hell....

Bev — Wed, 01 Aug 2007 04:24:58 GMT

Thats what my life has been lately since april. I'll explan it all in april i went to where i'm from to see my dad and found out that he's homeless and has a drink once in a while . Then comes june 9th ( one of the worst days in my life) My best guy freind killed his dad.( dont feel like geting in to alot of detal right now hard subject still) Then tonight my dad calls me and he's drink and he's telling me that he's been bad again latley ( and that means he's back in ot a) doing hard drugs that will kill him cuse he's got a inlarged heart or b) he's selling them again or c) BOTH :( he was a recovering alcoholic i dont know what to do please help but keep in mind i live 12 hours away from him

posted in Children of Alcoholics - 4 replies

Thank You

... — Mon, 04 Jun 2007 23:31:40 GMT

I've not been on Tribe alot lately, so I wanted to thank everyone who has shared their experiences and advice over the past months.

Good Vibes,
Wendy

posted in Children of Alcoholics - 0 replies

hello

cynicwanderer — Wed, 14 Feb 2007 23:28:48 GMT

I found this tribe and thought I'd say hello... my parents are both alcoholics, they are also German children of WWII, i.e. they grew up as children in Germany during WWII, complete with allied bombing raids and russian tanks, etc.. while they are not physically, sexually or emotionally abusive, they are very neutral when it comes to expressing emotions/feelings (my therapist, of course, would consider this as emotionally abusive environment to grow up in). I grew up in a pretty sterile, when it comes to emotions, home, partly in Germany and the latter part of my childhood in the US. over the years, I have learned to feel and express emotions, but still have a lot of trouble when it comes to relationships. I often feel lonely and unconnected... part of that is probably also due to my INFP'ness. anyway, I'm looking to connect with people who may have had similar backgrounds, or interests that connect us in someway...

posted in Children of Alcoholics - 8 replies

I hate my mom...

Brittany — Thu, 05 Apr 2007 16:35:28 GMT

she has started drinking again. Its nothing new, but it couldn't come a worse time. I have to get a whole lot done for college next year, and i need some paperwork from her, but she doesn't have it done. she told me two weeks ago that it would be done that next day and it is still not done. Now i have to have these papers in to my college within the next couple of days and she's drunk and no one knows where she is. i don't know what to do. plus with this stress i have lost control of my depression and cutting. I had to go to the hospital for a emergency evaluation and they told me i should stay there but i didn't cause i hate it there.

i dont' want to blame all of my problems on her but sometimes it feels like she is the root of the problem even though i don't see her very often.

sorry about the rambling but sometimes i can't help it!
Anyone got ideas on how to make her get these papers to me?

posted in Children of Alcoholics - 5 replies

im new here

Brittany — Fri, 23 Feb 2007 01:19:32 GMT

im new here and im happy to be here.
I am the daughter of an alcoholic (obviously). She started drinking when i was about 5 years old. This is a critical time in a child's life. Needless to say it had many detrimental effects on my life. Some that are still in play today. I am 18, you'd think i would be over the fact that i feel like my mom ruined my life, but im not. the worst of it started when i was 11.
I was so mad at my mom one day that i demanded she take me home, (not too smart since she was drunk). but she did and then she left me w/o even saying anything. I don't know why but i grabbed a knife and started cutting legs. i thought it would make things better and it worked, temporarily.
my mom's condition only got worse. she and my step dad got a divorce and i chose to live with my step dad.
my mom has four kids (five if you count the one she gave up for adoption) and she has abandoned all of them. she claims she is a good mother but everyone can see otherwise.
I have told her exactly how i feel about her, but it goes in one ear and out the other.

posted in Children of Alcoholics - 2 replies

Since 2000

Sun, 12 Nov 2006 05:32:03 GMT

He's been dead since 2000, and I can still see the disapporving look, and hear the awful words, and sometimes I can still feel the blows.

posted in Children of Alcoholics - 3 replies

Addicted to Excitement/ACOA meetings work for you?

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 06:25:10 GMT

As an ACOA, I'm addicted to excitement and so when I meet someone sweet and normal and just plain kind, I sabotage the relationship. I feel like I've pushed a lot of good men out of my life that way. I'm planning on starting ACOA meetings next week. Has anyone else tried ACOA meetings and have they helped you?

posted in Children of Alcoholics - 0 replies

New Here

greginjerome — Wed, 14 Jun 2006 20:22:58 GMT

Greetings,
I 'm glad I found this group. I was reading the questions on your headline so I thought I'd answer them.

<If one or both of your parents is an alcoholic, please share your experiences on how it has affected your life.>

My Mother didn't start drinking until I was in my 30's. I don't remember when. We lived together for a long time. Both worked, payed bills, she drank, I didn't. It affected me because it was annoying as hell to be around her when she drank or when she drinks. I would find myself going out on a Friday and/or Saturday night and staying out all night even when i was tired and wated to go home. I felt it was my only escape. I would go to bar and hang out then when it closed I would go to after hours and after that closed I would go to a 24 hr cafe and eat usually winding up at home around 4 or 5a.m. the next morning. Then i would sleep all day and have to hear later about what wasn't done or what needed to be done or that she wanted to spend time with me. I confronted her about the drinking once. It was a good talk but nothing has changed . I have offered my support and it still stands and always will. Now I live 2 hours away and I know that we could not live together again while she is drinking nor do I want us to live together no matter how much I love her. It was a great separation for many reasons.

< Has it been detrimental to your success and happiness?>
Yes, it has made me angry, anxious and depressed. Rather I have allowed those feeling but don't know how to control them at times. I am in treatment for anxiety and depression. Not solely related to Mothers drinking but it is a definite factor.

Have you been able to overcome the negative effects and fullfill what is your definition of success in life?
Uhm, to some degree. I work at a job I love. But then in November I left my ex who is an alcoholic and am still dealing with some residual anger. Today I went to my second Al Anon meeting and they are helping.

So, there is much more but I thought I would start here.
Blessings-Greg

posted in Children of Alcoholics - 2 replies

I'VE FELT THIS WAY BEFORE......SO INSECURE.....!!!!!

Michelle — Wed, 07 Jun 2006 16:25:34 GMT

CRAWLING IN MY SKIN, THESE WOUNDS THEY WILL NOT HEAL......FEAR IS HOW I FALL CONFUSING WHAT IS REAL..........consuming.........never ending...controlling....

its the cycle of abuse in children of alcoholics..............

some Linkin Park fer ya........

Very appropriate tunes for the times I'm going thru.
I've been in 5 serious (and thats every single relationship I ever had) relationships. And all of them are addicts....two were very abusive - almost died...I was stabbed...hit by my own car...these are the things people take for granted when they ARE given a good relationship, friend, lover, and confidant. When a man or woman hasn't gone thru these other horrible things, she will never appreciate the good one can offer. I WAS LOOKING FOR A MAN when I found Joe. In the beginning, he was also faithful (I am VERY spiritual - and I just became Catholic 4 years ago), and loving, and compassionate....we wrote letters back and forth, he respected me. But then, 9 months later, that all changed. When he went out for that first drink after work one night and never came home for 2 days - on my son's 3rd birthday. Ever since, he's been doing it on and off...........and bringing me down with him. My spirits are very low, like I've been depleated - there's only so much one can handle. And after 6 years of going through this, accepting the chance of "he may change", well, I can't put myself thru it anymore - nor my children. And in writing this to many people, I've gotten some good and bad advice - I've been judged, and I've been praised for even handling it the ways I've been. So, either way, in trying to do good and keep a family together, its been bad in a way that may be hurting us emotionally now.

I went to a psychotherapist to deal with the PTSD and Bipolar and bigtime anxiety issues, and did very well for 5 years. After lets say, 3 years ago when I stopped going - i thought everything was better - then my "guy" got worse. He blamed me for his drinking binges because of the fighting its caused - but I fought only to keep him HOME, with his children where a father belongs after work - not at a bar all night. He refused to go to church, even take ME to church...we go only on special occasions now, where we once used to go every Sunday - heck, I used to go 3x a week. But since all this, I just feel like CRAWLING under a rock myself. LOL

But I know it'll get better - the Lord only gives us what we can handle. But it helps me to just BURST IT ALL OUT to strangers..........LOL........ instead of giving my grandmother a heart attack with all this! She's about the only one left in my family - besides my brother and sister who are also mentally and emotionally challenged by the cycle of children of alcoholics............

I feel the same way - being alone right now after all the B/S these guys have caused me...? ughhhhhhhhh....
If I knew then what I know now, i would've been a nun.

My younger brother (25) refuses ANY RELATIONSHIPS with anyone- except me, my sister, and one man friend. ..., my sister? She's okay fer now....but stays away from everyone and there's no communication between her and anyone in the family...like my brother..... After all of this, and my father remarrying into a crack addicted relationship, THE CYCLE NEVER ENDED WITH HIM. He died at 58 last year..... BUT DAMN IT - I SWEAR I WON'T LET IT TAKE ME DEAD OR ALIVE! I'm leaving!!!!!!!!! For my children's and my sake..........I don't care if he says he'll stop, he WON'T..... he will for awhile, but it'll happen again and over and over and again......... Why is it that children of alcoholics seem to be attracted to those relationships? Like how my mother used to lock me in my room to "wet" my pants, dignity is gone, like how he has been controlling me to allow him to drink - that its just one.or two.........or six...................a 30 pack.

Please x-cuse my attitude 2-day - its rainy here, depressed, and know I have to break the cycle again...with 2 children..... and have been told he will not make it an easy fight for custody.......Thats what the fear is.

......THERES SOMETHING INSIDE ME THAT PULLS BENEATH THE SURFACE.........consuming........confusing..........self control is never ending....CONTROLLING.... I CAN'T SEEM TO FIND MYSELF AGAIN, MY WALLS ARE CLOSING IN.....too much pressure to take.............
AGAINST MY WILL I stand beside my own reflection............................

from,
a child of alcoholics
&
a nuturer/enabler caught in the CYCLE

posted in Children of Alcoholics - 0 replies

I Think My Father Drank Because...

Michelle — Wed, 26 Apr 2006 14:04:00 GMT

He was having problems with his PTSD from Vietnam...that's why I started this tribe called "Children of Vietnam Vets/War Vets" because if their are more people who would like to "talk" about it, it helps.... As for my mother, she drank herself to death while I was still young - and I still can't quite figure it out....But maybe that she was Bipolar (my father was also diagnosed Bipolar with years after being diagnosed with the PTSD)... I think it was very difficult for them as parents/mentors having to deal with those things and the fact that their drinking problems caused BIGTIME commotion - the physical fights that I had to rush my baby brother & sister away from....We would huddle together and I would tell them that EVERYTHINGS GONNA BE ALL RIGHT...Even for a ten year old (at the time) that was pretty mature...

I think children of alcoholics have to MATURE much more quickly then those of a normal household. We have seen more, we have felt more pain, we have dealt with the insecurities at school and with friends, and found ways of burying ourselves in either positive or negative ways. ANYONE RELATE?

posted in Children of Alcoholics - 2 replies

Newbie to the Tribe!

Michelle — Mon, 24 Apr 2006 00:45:11 GMT

Hey guys, I'm just surfin around at the different tribes available for someone in my predicament. Not that I am having an extremely difficult time with my parents who were alcoholics - and are dead now - but anyway, I figure if I have anything to offer someone else - trust me, I know the horrors as a child and it was like being in my own nightmare my whole life. I can't remember half of my childhood just cuz it was so difficult. I speak through my art if any one wants to see. It has always helped me as a child to draw when they used to lock me the room by myself. Music and art are the way to the inner soul.

M.

posted in Children of Alcoholics - 1 reply

people with drinking problems = spoiled in youth

Tue, 17 Jan 2006 05:31:54 GMT

not everyone...but i have noticed most have these great difficulties because of getting thier way all the time or being babied.

either that or they had such a crazy ass past that its too painful to reflect on so they drink and wipe out possibilities of gaining coping skills for adult life.

what do you think?

does anyone in here have drinking problems because of the way they saw thier parents?

for myself i saw why i didnt want to drink.

posted in Children of Alcoholics - 21 replies

Interesting study findings

Jeanne_Maire — Wed, 25 Jan 2006 03:47:14 GMT

I had to post this for you to read if you'd like. I thought it was interesting. True, its only a start, but at least they are starting to see that men and women are different.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060124/hl_nm/alcoholism_dc

posted in Children of Alcoholics - 1 reply

just found this

Sun, 09 Oct 2005 08:52:14 GMT

i was going to make a tribe for this but i found this one.

one of the things that changed my perspective on "drunks" which how i refered to my mother as. i went to a AA meeting with a friend. and to hear these people bitch and moan on why they drink.......all my anger dissolved and my mother became this weak child in my eyes. i only wish i had done that AA meeting thing a lot sooner. maybe then i wouldnt have the brainwashed negative mindset and all the typical aspects of a child of an alcoholic. they are tremendous stones in the road of personal development.

if you want to know what my mother was like watch "mommy dearest" no exaggeration. it totally freaks out anyone that knows my mom and knew how she acted when she was drunk.
its just really creepy too because she looks like joan crawford a bit too.

the creepiest part was when she (in the movie) was freaking out about the bathroom not being clean. the face she was making.....its makes me so uncomfortable.

i remeber seeing my own mother inches from my face....drunken sweat melting her make-up...i could hear spit clicking in her mouth as she degraded me through her teeth and wrapped her hand around my throat bouncing my head off the wall........thats something i will never forget.

i confronted her on all that and more and she acts like it never happened. which people have black outs....but i can tell by her expression that she is lying.
i havent confronted her about it for awhile.
maybe after i am 30..........

posted in Children of Alcoholics - 18 replies

Conspiracy Theory

Gi Gi — Wed, 18 Jan 2006 20:18:44 GMT

Welll not exactly but what I'm going to suggest may sound like it is what I'm hinting at & I guess to some degree I have come to think of it as so...... & bare with me please cause I am rusty on my medicalese & thoughts.....

The physical aspect of Alcoholism: Alcohol affects immediatly (amongst other organs & systems) the Livers ability to produce Glucose from Proteins & hence the Pancreas' production of Insulin etc for balancing blood sugar.

While I was studying Nutrition in college I lived in a mini ghetto area in Venice. I started watching closely the children there, Hispanic & Black mainly, & some of their caretakers (read parents)& behaviors. When the children were very young they were given a lot sugar; ie cookies, cereals, popsicles, candies etc. They would have the resultant behavior changes of excess dumped Insulin in the system of seemingly being happy & high for awhile & then another dose of sugar was needed to quiet them down or bring the depressed ones up (reward for doing). By the time these children had gotten closer to puberty sugar treats were common in their system & they would start looking for higher highs - glues, drugs but definetly alcohol bcz the role models they had were Always drinking beer as their water. & beer appeased several body hormonal needs - it quenched thirst factor, ADH, to some degree, it had sugars some Carbohydrates for the Pancreas, & as an Ethanol pre-occupied the Liver with work in an already 'hungry' system.
Alcohol in a system that lives on Carbs has an easy time of it. Simultaneously with Ethanol reaching the Brain the Stomach secretes Histamines which is kinda a rush. Granted a negative rush if you understand it as an allergen reaction but a rush if you equate it subconciously with feeling better
or higher.

Where's the conspiracy? Sugar for children.
Now can I really believe that all those producers out there want to have a nation of Alcoholics????
Uhhh why not????
Get them in the Addiction cycle early! Are not food companies the proprietors of foods from Trix to Vodka in same companies?? Doesn't an addicted human make a good consumer??? Yes. Is not the subject matter marketed to the age bracket that can consume the substance - popsicles to children, beer to macho jr high males that desperatly want that model in the Budweiser bikini, right up to ads that show the independent super woman taking Vodka with her to a cocktail party - how can you have joy without one of our products??? Is not an addict easier to manipulate?? Yes through keeping them unable to think or do other than what they are told will relieve their misery.

But of course being individuals that have free will, especially Americans, this is nonsense. I drink/eat my choice of beverage/food bcz __________. I am addicted to this substance bcz I am miserable, happpy, nervoous, uhhh not sure, but I am Me & no one runs me! & besides how can you expect me to do other wise if it is an illness? How many alcoholics have said that? to cover their tracks.
Oh poor me I'm sick....... but would the same allowance be allowed to the Diabetic? The Liver malfunctioned patient? The Scizophrenic? If you had a Cancer????

During my time of observation in the mini Ghetto which was surrounded by wealth I had a dream vision; I imagined I saw all these bent over forms toiling in a huge field. One of them way away from me whispered to the next one "Don't eat the white stuff!" & this whispering message kept going down & up the lines of these almost snail shaped beings. As it got towards the further end, I noticed that the 1st person was standing upright, & the second & they were staarting to walk away from the sugar beet field they had been tied down to.

So that's my conspiracy. Don't eat the white stuff.

& I will have to admit here that I would not classify myself as a current drinking alcoholic but that since I have been chronically ill, & living reclusively I have gone into binges of eating sugar for energy to get that high so I will do Something! & that it leads to drinking wine at night to 'relax'.
& when I drink my preferred Sherry, oh the higher alcohol content & sugar too, I need to eat cookies or a donut with my 3-5 cups of coffee in the a.m.
So knowing what yr doing biochemically doesn't always magically Stop the Merry-go-round. But I hope that writing all this will slow me down, & maybe open some discussion on how marketing & habits contribute to Alcoholism being rampant in our lives.

posted in Children of Alcoholics - 2 replies

acting like she never had a problem before

Sat, 14 Jan 2006 20:41:09 GMT

the other day my mother called FREAKING out and crying because she got a letter she would lose her job and benifits in a month if she didnt get back to work.
she had her hip replaced and has had a few setbacks one of which included and ER visit. the HR lady she deals with seems like a total bitch. anyway...she freaking out about this asking ME what she should do.

i think thats stupid. what the fuck could i say? doesnt she have any life experience? i tell her what to do and she comes up with excuses on why its too hard when the other option is starve, become homeless and not have medical for my dad who has cancer right now.

i finally said to her that the circumstances dont care what you feel like about any of this. you gotta do what you gotta do.
i felt like i was talking to a 14 year old.

she acted like it was so hard to go to the welfare office. i have done that myself. i dont see what the big deal was at all. the social worker and i were joking about living on ramen and laughing and stuff.

and on top of this she was freaking out and it was my little brothers birthday. its like..buy a cake and say fuck it till monday. this may be the last bday you all have together.

posted in Children of Alcoholics - 8 replies

Buddhist help to help yourself...

anastajah — Thu, 29 Dec 2005 00:52:22 GMT

Here are some fundamental characteristics of human development that lead to resilience, vitality, inner stability, and peace of mind:

We move from reliance on external authority to an internal center of resonance & wisdom based on observation, experimentation, and experience.
We bring fascination, curiosity, and interest to all aspects of our lives & to relationships. We are comfortable with differences, and are able to reflect on our own feelings, thoughts, and emotional reactions.
We take personal responsibility for our internal experience - we realize we create our own feelings of anger, contempt, and judgments with our demands that situations & people be different than they are. We cease blaming or making up excuses & reasons for our problems.
We see situations & people as they truly are & make our decisions based on current reality, not our hopes that people will change.
We become increasingly able to attune & resonate with our internal world - including our thoughts, feelings, and emotions. This ability to go deeply within ourselves decreases our need for either disassociation or external stimulation to relieve emptiness & boredom.
We realize that we are not our "minds," we are not all the teachings that have been put there. We exist beyond these teaching as essence.
We develop the will to do the things we know will help us feel stronger, healthier, more alive, and connected to others.
We develop the ability to self-soothe & calm ourselves when we are alone or with other people.
Our living becomes more congruent with our beliefs.
Our relationships become more authentic, trusting, open, and valued.
We are able to give & receive care, friendship, and support.
We accept the ever-changing nature of all life. The challenge of empowerment.
We affirm we have the power to take charge of our lives & stop being dependent on substances or other people for our self-esteem & security.
Alternative: We admit we were out of control with/powerless over _________ yet have the power to take charge of our lives & stop being dependent on substances or other people for our self-esteem & security.
We come to believe that we have the ability to develop our inner resources through a process of learning, exploration, daily practice, diligence, self reflection, and supportive relationships with others. (This is a new version of this step)
We make a decision to become our authentic selves & trust in the healing power of the truth.
We examine our beliefs, addictions, and dependent behavior in the context of living in a hierarchal, patriarchal culture.
We share with another person all the things inside of us for which we feel shame & guilt.
We affirm & enjoy our strengths, talents, and creativity.
We become willing to let go of guilt, shame, and any behavior that keeps us from accepting ourselves & others.
We make a list of people we have harmed & people who have harmed us, and take steps to clear out negative feelings by making amends & sharing our grievances in a respectful way.
We express love & gratitude to others, and increasingly appreciate the wonder of life & the blessings we do have.
We continue to trust our reality & daily affirm that we see what we see, we know what we know & we feel what we feel.
We promptly acknowledge mistakes & make amends when appropriate, but we do not say we are sorry for things we have not done & we do not cover up, analyze, or take responsibility for the shortcomings of others.
We seek out situations, jobs, and people who affirm our intelligence, perceptions, and self-worth & avoid situations or people who are hurtful, harmful, or demeaning to us.
We take steps to heal our physical bodies, organize our lives, reduce stress, and have fun.
We seek to find our inward calling, and develop the will & wisdom to follow it.
We accept that change, loss, death, and re-birth are part of the natural flow of life.
We grow in awareness that we are interrelated with all living things, and we contribute to restoring peace & balance on the planet.
This is active meditation, not medication with endless meetings for life that are depressing and disempowering. Without knowing this particular technique, I started to do something similar. Then, when I went to AA just for fun, I was so sad to see that people had to admit to being powerless to get to the first step. I never took that 1st step, I ran! I dosed myself with nutrition, love, silence, self sourcing. I quit sugar, caffeine, smoking all with ease. Not to mention my unmentionable ellicit illegal drug taking for like 16 years! And alcohol. I later found this, which is a more empowering 12 step for Buddhists.
BODHI'S BUDDHIST NON-THEISTIC 12 STEPS:

1. We admitted our addictive craving over alcohol, and recognised its consequences in our lives.
2. Came to believe that a power other than self could restore us to wholeness.
3. Made a decision to go for refuge to this other power as we understood it.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to ourselves and another human being the exact moral nature of our past.
6. Became entirely ready to work at transforming ourselves.
7. With the assistance of others and our own firm resolve, we transformed unskilful aspects of ourselves and cultivated positive ones.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed.
9. Made direct amends to such people where possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. In addition, made a conscientious effort to forgive all those who harmed us.
10. Continue to maintain awareness of our actions and motives, and when we acted unskilfuly promptly admitted it.
11. Engaged through the practise of meditation to improve our conscious contact with our true selves, and seeking that beyond self. Also used prayer as a means to cultivate postive attitudes and states of mind.
12. Having gained spiritual insight as a result of these steps, we practise these principles in all areas of our lives, and make this message available to others in need of recovery\

The 12 Steps of Liberation
>>>>>Said another way:

1. The truth of suffering. We experienced the truth of our addictions – our lives
were unmanageable suffering.

2. The truth of the origin of suffering. We admit that we craved for and grasped
onto addictions as our refuge.

3. The truth of the end of suffering. We came to see that complete cessation of
craving and clinging at addictions is necessary.

4. The truth of the path. We made a decision to follow the way of liberation and
to take refuge in our wakefulness, our truth, and our fellowship.

5. Right view. We made a searching and fearless review of our life. We are
willing to acknowledge and proclaim our truth to ourselves, another human
being and the community.

6. Right thought. We are mindful that we create the causes for suffering and
liberation. Our goodness is indestructible.

7. Right speech. We purify, confess and ask for forgiveness straightforwardly
and without judgment. We are willing to forgive others.

8. Right action. We make a list of all persons we harm and are willing and able
to actively make amends to them all, unless to do so would be harmful.

9. Right livelihood. We simplify our lives, realizing we are all interconnected.
We select a vocation that supports our recovery.

10. Right effort. We realize that continuing to follow this path, no matter what, is
joyful effort.

11. Right mindfulness. Through prayer, meditation and action we will follow the
path of kindness, being mindful moment by moment.

12. Right concentration. Open to the spirit of awakening as a result of these steps,
we will carry this message to all people suffering with addictions.

We move from reliance on external authority to an internal center of resonance & wisdom based on observation, experimentation, and experience.
We bring fascination, curiosity, and interest to all aspects of our lives & to relationships. We are comfortable with differences, and are able to reflect on our own feelings, thoughts, and emotional reactions.
We take personal responsibility for our internal experience - we realize we create our own feelings of anger, contempt, and judgments with our demands that situations & people be different than they are. We cease blaming or making up excuses & reasons for our problems.
We see situations & people as they truly are & make our decisions based on current reality, not our hopes that people will change.
We become increasingly able to attune & resonate with our internal world - including our thoughts, feelings, and emotions. This ability to go deeply within ourselves decreases our need for either disassociation or external stimulation to relieve emptiness & boredom.
We realize that we are not our "minds," we are not all the teachings that have been put there. We exist beyond these teaching as essence.
We develop the will to do the things we know will help us feel stronger, healthier, more alive, and connected to others.
We develop the ability to self-soothe & calm ourselves when we are alone or with other people.
Our living becomes more congruent with our beliefs.
Our relationships become more authentic, trusting, open, and valued.
We are able to give & receive care, friendship, and support.
We accept the ever-changing nature of all life. The challenge of empowerment.

And I also like the Native medicine wheel way. That really puts it into perspective! I think that having these substance abuse problems actually enhanced my life.

posted in Children of Alcoholics - 0 replies

helpful link

Sun, 09 Oct 2005 08:56:26 GMT

http://www.adultchildren.org/

Welcome to ACA. Adult Children of Alcoholics is a Twelve Step, Twelve Tradition program of women and men who grew up in alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional homes. We meet with each other in a mutually respectful, safe environment and acknowledge our common experiences. We discover how childhood affected us in the past and influences us in the present ("The Problem"). We take positive action. By practicing the Twelve Steps, focusing on "The Solution", and accepting a loving Higher Power of our understanding, we find freedom from the past and a way to improve our lives today.

posted in Children of Alcoholics - 2 replies

Living Proof!!

Sat, 01 Oct 2005 19:13:23 GMT

I GOT THE JOB!!!!! Now I am officially on my way to getting out from under my mothers thumb!! She's very unhappy of course. She's an alcoholic after all. The moment I told her she immediately starting trying to act like a mom. Whatever, too late. Me and my kids are getting out of here as soon as we can!!!! Maybe she'll learn something from me. Maybe.

Kim :)

posted in Children of Alcoholics - 5 replies

The other shoe has fallen!

Wed, 28 Sep 2005 16:31:41 GMT

Well, my mother has informed me that she wants to sell the family business and move back to England. This is all, of course, quite impossible to me. She's very much in debt, not of good health and an alcoholic herself. In denial. She asked me how my job hunting was going and where and when I planned on moving. I thought it was a run of the mill conversation regarding my job hunt but then she welled up in tears and told me of her wishes. I wonder if this was all just a ploy to see what I would do? If I would stop job hunting and stay on here to help her. But I can't. I'm a single mother of two. I have a great boyfriend that will help me no matter what but, I need to do everything I can do first. So far my job hunt has been dry. What an economy for a career change! I have bad timing there. But no choice. This is all just coming up since I told her that the kids and I were growing out of this one bedroom apartment she let's us stay in. Or work for rather. I accept a very low salary to live here rent free. Suddenly I can see how unstable she really is. I guess somewhere inside I always thought maybe she was stronger than that. I was wrong. I feel very abandoned right now. Thank God I'm in recovery!!!! Otherwise I wouldn't be handling this very well. If nothing else it has lit a fire under my a** to get moving even harder on my job search. I needed to get this off of my chest. Now I can see why I was never able to get up on my feet in the past. I was never taught. My father died trying and my mother, well, is on her way. How strange it is to be an alcoholic dealing with an alcoholic parent. Again really. But my father and I were totally different. And this time I'm getting better. Well, enough for now. Back to reality to get my daughter on the bus. Thanx for listening.
Kim

posted in Children of Alcoholics - 11 replies

The light at the end of the tunnel

Fri, 30 Sep 2005 19:22:24 GMT

I had a second interview today!!! This was from the one last week. They like me!!! So we'll wait and see if they call back to hire me.

As I have been sitting in awe of how I came out ok after years of drinking and having two alcoholic parents I can't help but wonder, how? Why? Why am I different! But then I just sit back and thank God for everything in my life right now and try not to dwell. Instead I guess I'm just doing something right and I better just keep doing it!!

Kim :)

posted in Children of Alcoholics - 1 reply

Hello

Sat, 17 Sep 2005 01:46:51 GMT

I just joined this tribe. I couldn't help but notice the title of it. I once saw a book by the same name once in the book store. I am a child of many alcoholics. It goes back at least three generations that I know of right now. I lost my father to the disease last year. My mother is also a sufferer. So that no doubt leaves the fact that I am also an alcoholic. I am in recovery but I am still dealing with my mother on a daily basis. Being in recovery myself I can become intolerant to the normal drinkers and other drunks. But I am very tolerant to those in recovery. I'm having a tough time coping with my mothers behavior. I thought maybe I would reach out and talk to others that may be like me. Maybe even those who aren't alcoholics but are dealing with parents who are so I can get a different perspective. What I'm trying to say is that I hope to see more posts within this tribe soon. Thanx for letting me share.
Kim

posted in Children of Alcoholics - 7 replies

New Here

Zymotic_Heart — Fri, 12 Aug 2005 19:53:03 GMT

Hello all. Just joined today. I don't know if I survived the abuse that was rampant in my childhood. Some things were just revealed to me that really took me by surprise. I grew up with an abusive-alcoholic for a "father". He was not physically abusive to me (although there was one incident of sexual abuse), but he was violently abusive to my mother. What just came to light for me was why my father could never sober up before finally passing away. After watching my mother "interact" with my youngest brother, it suddently became clear to me! Almost every word that came out of my mother's mouth pushed a button with my brother. So much negativity, so much coldness, so much constant NAGGING, etc. I suddenly realized that my father couldn't stay sober because he had her negativity assaulting him constantly. He couldn't be around her unless he had a few drinks. I am in no way justifying his physical abuse of her, I am only now acknowledging her abuse of him. She was never affectionate, or at least I never saw it. Looking backing on it, my memories (the few that I do have) are of her being so cold to him. Now, because I was so focused and what he was doing to her, and making sure that I didn't turn out like him, I have also realized that I have turned into my mother. Now, my husband is the recipient of the abuse I learned from my mother. I guess what I am in desparate need of is learning how not to be like that anymore. My marriage is pretty much over, unless I can turn myself around and stop this insanity, but I honestly don't know how to. I sit all day at work, on the train, in my car, chanting to myself not to fuck up again, and not say something negative or belittling, but before I can stop myself, something evil always comes out of my mouth! Is there any hope for someone like me to change?? Or should I just let him go so that he can find happiness (which he truly deserves) with someone else?

Thanks for letting me cry out.
DS

posted in Children of Alcoholics - 9 replies

just joined.

threeofseven — Wed, 25 May 2005 20:12:20 GMT

I followed Luxx and her sister here. I joined for two treasons. One is so it will get pucblished more widely in the tribe lisitns. two....cause my dad was an alcohlic.

I read the previous responses...and just thought I would share a little. The thing is...I am much older now and things have changed so much. But my younger years wqere pretty chaotic. I started going to Alanon...which is another 12 step group....about 19 years ago. I culdn't beleive it the first time I heard the term Adult Child of an Alcoholic. It was like...finally!!! I knew what I was and what was wrong with me.

I went through all the things that you were talking about. My dad worked hard...sometimes three jobs at once...but didn't spend much time with us as kids. I never felt close to him and for years he still said the most hurtful things to me.

But now....after those 19 years in the program...and the fact that my dad is 83 now, I am grateful that the booze did not kill him. We have a much better relationship today than we did before. And of course, the fact that he quit drinking a number of years ago really helps. I think that alanon actually saved my life. And from there I was able to go on and have a happy marriage...my partner is also a recovering alcoholic...hasn't had a drink in 15 years.

So...what does this mean? I hope that it gives you some hope. You can have a life after childhood. Maybe without your parent...maybe with. Just so you take care of you and do what is good for you.

posted in Children of Alcoholics - 3 replies

Absent Father

... — Fri, 08 Apr 2005 11:47:49 GMT

Personally, it was my father who was an alcoholic. He was around, but truly was absent. He would verbally abuse me and was never "all there". He would (and still does) forget saying things that really hurt my feelings. That is why, now that I'm on my own, I do not contact him. To me, him and our relationship are just an empty shell, and I still resent deeply all of the bad treatment and neglect that I never for a moment deserved.

posted in Children of Alcoholics - 9 replies

my dyspeptic confession

Tue, 10 May 2005 21:18:37 GMT

in keeping with this week’s theme of ‘exposing myself for the phony that I am,’ I will first confess that I am NOT the child of an alcoholic - that said, I AM an expectant father who has recently become hyper-aware of the destructive power in what I now see as my compulsive drinking - I do not believe that feeling coerced into abstinence by external circumstances will ever prove to be for the greater good; I believe that the volition to quit should arise from within - my love for my wife and my unborn child is tied to this volition, as is my ongoing quest for spiritual awakening -

I do not want my baby to have a drunk daddy; my wife (also a member of this tribe) is the daughter of an alcoholic father and I will not allow that cycle of abuse to continue through me - furthermore I can no longer subject myself to the creativity-and-empathy-impairing effects of habitual drinking; the cognitive dissonance is overwhelming to me at this point - when I hear Chuck D of Public Enemy proclaim:

I never could follow a man with a bottle,
he’s baby with a beard and not a feared role-model;
if you ask me where I get it, I get it from my pops -
when this man is in the house all the bullshit stops!

his voice forces me up against the knowledge that when I take my first drink, every other drink I’ve ever had rushes up from within my bowels and onto my lips to greet it - to me, this feels like addiction, and I’m dropping it like hot skillet -

thanks, Wendy, for providing this space for us - this tribe serves a noble purpose -

posted in Children of Alcoholics - 3 replies